21 RULES FOR RESPONSIBLE DRINKING

I have been missing for a while, I had a lot of business to attend to; including sharing the contents of my bowels with the toilet bowl repeatedly on Saturday. I had one of those make-you-quit-drinking hangovers. This hangover, however i blame on one person, the Anti-Christ, Devil Incarnate, Beelzebul, claw armed, green-eyed monster of a man; Luis Suarez. Who dashed the hopes of an African Nation by playing goalkeeper during the Uruguay Ghana game, and wistfully claiming himself the "real hand of God"!! But I digress.

Here are my handy tips for responsible drinking that will soon be out in a self titled oral DVD for only Kshs. 1,999.99!!

1. Do NOT quit drinking!

No i am not being sarcastic (which If I was this statement would be really sarcastic). Like Homer Simpson put it, the first step to failure is trying! A philosophy to live by, and in that sense trying to quit is one of the proverbial steps forward that will be followed by two steps back and a systematic dive into the blissful pool of the three mistresses, Beer, whiskey and Vodka.

In my astute, practical study of alcohol enjoyment, I have learnt that there are levels of drinking, like beginner, armature, accomplished, hardcore, guzzler e.t.c

To graduate from one level to another you need to do the following;

a) Get really really drunk on cheap/free alcohol.
b) Do something you will really regret, like make out/sleep with an ugly chic.
c) Black out.
d) and this is the most important; DECLARE THAT YOU WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN.
e) 4 weeks later you get back to drinking after you fail a CAT, or miss a promotion, or get dissed e.t.c

(NOTE; the above process has been scientifically proven using nanotechnology and the space time continuum relativity.)

2. Do NOT go out drinking with HOT GIRLS.

Yes true that. This rule needs little explanation... You will drink first to get the confidence to hit on her/them. Then whenever they take a shot you will take two to impress them. Then when they leave your college behind to go hang with some rich guy in VIP, you will get wasted to cure your pity.

Yes men, if you go out drinking with hot chics, stay sober and GET THEM DRUNK.

3. Do NOT go out drinking with UGLY GIRLS.

This is not just here to make the list look funny. See if you go out drinking with ugly chics, you will get drunk super fast, because every time you look up you will see what a loser you are in your friends faces!

Then you will get so drunk you will actually sleep with one of your ugly friends... THEN... see rule No. 1.


4. Do NOT write a blog.

Serious evidence suggests that people who write blogs drink way too much, and spend all their salary before the fifteenth of every month and in the process have their moms ban them from taking their own salaries.

They also have the tenacity too see monies beyond their wallets (these bloggers dang!) and will end up calling up to 6 people and "treating" them only to end up Talking to the bar tender for forty five minutes before being rushed in a back room and stuffed full of fists and going home to explain what happened to his watch and shoes.!

NB. This is stuff a certain "study" that did not involve this particular blogger concluded the above is tried and true.

5. Do NOT support Arsenal.

As a Manchester united fan, I really do empathize. Like all African football fans we got a semblance of what such idiots go through when Ghana lost to Luis Suarez's "Hand of the Devil."

Such people walk through the grizzly fires of hell every time such walking calamities like Mikael Silvestre and Niklas Bendtner get within 5m of the football in actual play.

If you care anything about your liver and/or your sperm count; DO NOT support Arsenal FC, If the stress doesn't kill you, the binge drinking that follows every arsenal BIG game will!