ONYANCH AND I (a working title)

So apparently I look like Onyancha. At least according to 15 or so chics who have commented on or about my new profile picture on face book (see my face book page); and as usual it got me thinking, and googling, as to what makes me different from him; aside from the fact that I haven't been to a lodging recently and used a barmaids neck to test the new gillette.

Well for one I did not attend one of those Kikuyu shags-modos high schools; and indeed apparently its almost a prerequisite to having an abnormal adult life. Seriously almost all weird criminals have attended a school that has "wa" in its name like its someone's son e.g Mukuru wa Njenga High School!We end up with people like Kiriamiti, Rasta,Wanugu, Margaret Wanjiru and even Kihika Kimani, criminals who obviously have some un-prestine faculty issues.

So Onyancha who I highly doubt is Kikuyu ended up at Mahiga High School (which Google maps tells me is in Central province) where he got indicted into a cult, and its not the drink-alcohol-and-texturize-your-hair finger licking good church of Pastor and Future president Hellon; NO this is the real deal. This cult has everything from getting rich promises to performance contracts (100 women dead anyone?), which are probably alot more effective than the government ones;

“After agreeing to join the cult, I graduated automatically. From then on spirits would send me to go and kill.”

“In the cult, it was like in a stage. And to go to the next level, I had to kill a lot of people and also meet the leader of the cult.”

That's the second thing that makes me different from Onyancha; he listened to his teachers. While common knowledge to all teenagers is that High School teachers are actually agents of the devil, whose sole purpose is to ensure that school farms are always populated with free labour from innocent students like myself, I digress however. The point was Onyancha TRUSTED his teacher, who took the opportunity to play this AWESOME practical joke on him which I am sure was the talk of the staff room.

What the teacher didn't count on was the third difference between me and Onyancha, Onyancha was stupid. He didn't get the joke, so he ACTUALLY thought that he was a fully fledged soldier working for the Prince of Darkness himself. Explains why and how the devil himself cannNOT evade the so "capable" powers of the Kenya police. Well and Onyancha doesn't know how to deal with stress, when there is a voice in your head telling you to "kill that bitch", its probably because you are suffering from continued sobriety, a disease that affects many people including saved Christians and English footballers; and instead of taking the appropriate cure of a few shots of J&B, he goes out murdering people,, and THATS NOT NICE.

However Onyancha is not all bad, I have found some similarities between him and myself, In the July 1st Standard Newspaper Onyancha was quoted saying "One time I made a Lady follow me just by talking to her..." Now thats more like the Matano I know... Cheerio!