15 DAYS ... WHY I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN ANY MORE

Good morning,

Now without alcohol, life draws sharply into focus; this my dear brethren is seeing life without beer goggles and for me its a completely nouveau feeeling for me.

Let me explain, I have always drunk... almost always, before drinking I was a teenager which is more or less the same thing, so I have never had a period in my life of adult unadulterated (funny how something being ADULTERATED is a bad thing... so being childerated should be good? but I digress) concerted self analysis.

Now that I have, I have realized some things, firstly that I have not lived up to the name of my blog so I need to remedy that... and here goes;

1. Logic; logic is the understanding of arguments, the balance of the human mind that distinguishes fallacies from truth.

So if I make an argument lets say that if I have two oranges and eat one I am left with three, the human mind can decipher through CRITICAL THINKING, that is a fallacy.

Therefore if I am told that there is a God who made the earth then split it up into water in the sky and some on the earth, then he fit all the 5 million species of terrestrial life in an ark 150m across... then killed everyone then made a rainbow, then made the only people who survived kill an animal because he liked the smell, then along the way he kills an entire Egyptian generation, including animals, and orders the genocide of the amelekite people, and sometime later sacrifices his own son to satisfy his own law (under which there is a then ritualistic cannibalism of drinking blood and eating "God's flesh")... I cannot in my mind through critical thinking substantiate that with "an ALL LOVING, ALL CARING, UNBIASED GOD".

2. Secondly is evidence. In law I know evidence is anything that tends to prove or disprove the existence or lack thereof of a material fact. So if we look for the evidence of the existence of a GOD or Gods; in a religious sense... not only is there overwhelming lack of evidence to prove any religious deity, but on the contrary there is a lot of evidence disproving said religious Gods.

Scientifically we have proved beyond any doubt that the earth is much older than most religions paint it to be.
The attributes that are painted of such God(s), are so in contrary with the material universe that we live in today that it takes some intellectual effort to accommodate these obvious contradictions.

We have no religion that shows evolution is the predominant mechanism of speciation, no religion that envisages a universe apart from our solar system, no traditional religion that paints the world built on a mechanism of quantum forces, no traditional religion that recognizes what we know as medical facts but instead chose blame psychiatric wrongs on spirits and demons.

3. The sheer number of religions paints a picture of what religion is. It is a cultural solution to a social problem created by insufficient knowledge. If any religion were a truth, any denomination divine, then why don't we have a single religion canvasing the world equally, why do we have Catholics in Italy and Confucians in China?

If truly there was a deity as depicted in religion to punish and to prevail respectively believers and non believers? Then why didn't Jesus grow up in India (wouldn't there be more Christians there?) why didn't Allah visit the South Africans?

There is a quote I love it says As an atheist I only believe in one less god than you, the reasons why you feel that Zeus and Poseidon do not exist are the same reasons I say Jehovah does NOT.

Those are just three reasons... I have hundreds... get back to me.

Plus don't drink and drive...

Ooh oooh... and I am selling 18 year old, scotch Johnny Walker Gold label.. halla!!!

CHANGE

So I quit... Alcohol that is; the diesel that so runs the blogosphere. And for those who know me, they know I am good at this, I have done it so many times before kwani?

Thats not the only thing though, sometimes I have been accused of being a little of a trumpet without the trumpeter (sometimes making up my own quotes doesn't go so well),. Since people always tell me to walk the talk, I have decided to follow.

I will miss alcohol though, the cause of and solution to all of my problems. The biggest downside is how in God's green earth will I get laid? Have you people ever talked to woman? That is the most boring type of person you can ever have a conversation with, seriously!! Can't women just tell a good joke? Or a nice story? They have to make conversations about their friends, and their friends' hair, and their friends' boyfriends' hair, and even their friends' boyfriends' hair products!!!

Sheesh!! and since I have no benefit of the great panty remover!!! i.e ethanol (C2H50H)!! Now in order to get laid, I have to talk to girls... eeeish!!

Thats the bad part, the good part of quitting alcohol is ummmmm.... ummmmmm... I can remember this my mum explained it so vivdly yesterday...

Well the long and short of it is if i take just one more beer I will end up like uncle "Nani", who's kids we have to take care of because he is a washed up drunk.

NO seriously, I have decided to Ben Carson up my life, throw in a little Teetotallerishness, add a dash of library-going-ness and just a pinch of participation in class and I am apparently the next Mutula Kilonzo (my complete lack of legal acumen notwithstanding.. Kenya is immune to talent or lack thereof).

I have quit alcohol, I am going to learn to manage my money, I amgoing to invest, I am going to spend more time with my family.... I am going to put my shit in order...

And just as I finish this I wonder how any of this is any of you reader's business!!!

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So wise old "wahengas" told us that "Kibaya chajitembeza, kizuri chajiuza...", well those old mijikendas were probably shit faced on mnazi when they cooked up that little rhyme. Or maybe they were playing a practical joke on someone and it sort of caught on.

Because as a matter of fact in this life, in this generation, you have to show it to sell it.

So today I woke up and my mother tells me, I just read that Students from the Catholic University of East Africa (CUEA), had won the International Moot Court Competition, and I was obviously flabbergasted, CUEA??!!?? Well they should have a word for what i have, which is the undeterred belief that every private University in kenya is subordinate to the great daunting pool of superb geniosity that is UoN. Not to forget that in matters of Law, there is UoN, then there are those people who fail UoN, and then there are those people who work as subordinate staff... THEN there is other Universities.

Anyway I had to investigate the authority that my mother had so claimed (she being a product of USIU, we know which side of the armies she lies MUHAHAHAH!) it was in the DN December 6th 2010, and the article was there, awash with pictures of a pretty girl who was the representative of everything good about private education in this country... NOT.

In that same article in the final... smaller words... they do mention that the CUEA team didn't actually win, they were beaten at the quarter finals, and two of the semi finalists were two teams from University of... wait for it.... wait for it... grab a soda... wait for it.... Nairobi!!

So I am thinking, why did the CUEA chics get their pictures in the paper, could it be that one of their parents owns Nation (none of the kids looked like the Indian... Aga Khanish but that's besides the point); but however they got their articles in the paper they are one step ahead of their purportedly smarter UoN compatriots.

It teaches us a lot; whether you are prettier, do the make up, the short skirt and the fake hair; dudes is shallow. If you want that job, borrow that suit, make a CD of your CV, get a shave, cram a few big words, read the paper for that week... advertise.!!

Our world is built by advertisement, that's why we think Newton invented calculus, and Einstein discovered relativity; even that evolution was first thought up by Darwin... all of these are y the way not entirely true.

So take credit for someone else's work today, flaunt your little skills.!

TRIBE (NOT THE HOTEL... CANT AFFORD THAT)

Good morning Kenya!!!

How have you all been? Its been a while I must say, been through a lot of shit-ass-crap but nimerudi with a vengeance.

So let me re-cap whats happened while I have been away;

1) Will-I-am got sacked, tensed up and went to see if the prefect wrote him in the all so naughty top ten noise makers list.

2)Obama got bruised battered and scorned by the tea party movement in this years mid terms (Sawa I know Kenyans dont know shit about politics west of Lake Victoria... but bear with me).. proving the infallible theory that there will always be more stupid people when you need something smart to be done.

3) Kenya is still getting fucked by several people; including university students crapping on each other because they come from different sides of the gorge!!

Now I had always planned my next blog to be somewhat on the lines that Christopher Nolan is God, and Leonardo DiCaprio is his disciple and Inception is his holy word but I found much more pressing an issue closer home.

Kenyans are tribal (I wrote a whole lot of obscenities and just back spaced... I did this too attract a wider audience like Churchhill and his clean comedy-)... Crappitty crap! It is a shame that with the passage of the constitution !ahem!cough!christians eat shit! !ahem !cough! some silly guy has to come all the way from pre-new-constitution era and flog us square in the face with some politikal phlegm!

Andy you are my new sworn enemy,you are either, Mr. Ligale, (former MP who therefore under this constitution canNOT sit in the IIBRC) a complete freaking retard who has no understanding of basic arithmetic and the voting system in this country where you have myopically considered that an ODM voter should be about the same as two voters of any other inclination... OR... you are just a tribalist who is playing into the machinations of whatever party wants to derail the new constitutional dispensation.

And I will let you understand Kenyan politics;

1) This is not a ploy by ODM to dominate Kenyan Politics in 2012.

2) Andrew Ligale is a bitch ass punk.

3) Andrew Ligale is a ... I said that already...

What I think is this, some really big people seek to punch holes in the armour of light by derailing the implementation of this constitution they throw pieces of meat at the rabid hungry MP's who have missed bickering bit for quite a while now.... so what happens now? We alm down.. GROW UP... and let the most competent arm of government, The Judiciary in case you didnt know... Handle all of this..

Now that I just ranted... From now on I can blog... and ranted isnt a word.

WEALTH

"Never start an article with a quote.." that is a fundamental rule of journalism, (if you did not just get that irony STOP reading my blog now), but I will start with this famous quote, "The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.." and this wasn't found in some Shakespearean dialogue, or popular Churchill speech; this was actually in one of those 100 bob posters u buy kwa jam pale Uhuru highway,we have probably had it in our sitting room ever since I could write my name on the wall with my own poop.

Today's sermon all yea faithful is about money and wealth and prosperity. Hearken my word, listen for the gospel according to modern day "church"... Verily verily I say unto thee not one poor person shall enter the kingdom of heaven!! Hearken, for was it not said that the Lord your God loves the rich... for when the poor man came to Jesus and asked "I have obeyed all the commandments, how will I enter the Kingdom" Jesus responded "send M-pesa to Pastor Ng'ang'a/Wanjiru/ (insert relevant Kikuyu pastor here... if pastor is not Kikuyu make sure they are wearing necesarily flamboyant ill fitting suits) and in return the Lord will bless you with wealth!! Then and only then... Jesus said... will you enter the Kingdom of heaven.

Many people have been misled these days, I ask you, was Jesus poor? Did he hang around poor people? Did he have to borrow a donkey to get into Jerusalem? Did he have to stay in other people's homes. NO! He has wealth and money and he rode in Pajeros and Toyota Land cruiser's for the Lord your God doesn't like potholes.! Haven't his apostles Margaret Wanjiru, Dr. Lai and the honorable Bro. Pattni not taught you anything? Live like them!! For they are true Christians, in their Karen homes and having enough money to lubricate there way into parliament, for it is only Jesus' plan for them to be obscenely wealthy off the sinners that flock their churches!!

And take no heed of the poor, when you see them on your well adorned pews, blocking the prime time TV cameras broadcasting Jesus message of wealth; admonish them!!! God doesn't like the poor, haven't you read the story of Lazarus and the Rich man, "your father in heaven did not mean you to be poor"(this is actually from my local friend Ciku... No beef :)...)

So what all of you should do, in faith, send your miracle seed to this number 0718214047 and me, Margaret Wanjiru, Dr. Lai, Pastor Nganga, Pat Robertson, That guy who smiles a lot on Family TV with a stadium full of people and rarely quotes the bible... plus the other 6 apostles will bless you with heavenly olive oil and wealth and heaven will follow you.

On a serious note, how can we sit by and watch as people fraudulently live of the sweat, blood and tears of a the weakest in our society. What is the difference between all these pentecostal prophets and a common conman. Does holding a Bible in one hand justify larceny, blackmail and fraud? When they win the hearts of our people through manipulation of faith and ignorance. When a blinded worshiper gives away her son's supper to the cause so projected by these Apostles and Doctor's of theology where are we?

Have we no moral obligation... no societal duty to prevent a rape of the masses? They dangle carrots of hope in the faces of the most down trodden of civilians, and kill them slowly, like intestinal parasites... sucking them of blood and life in utter selfishness. I do not know what we can do if anything... If you do please tell me.


Oh and just a little tit bit; When I typed Pastor "Lai" the computer auto corrected it to Pastor Lie... Have a fruitful day cheers!

The best of times... The worst of times

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom, the age of foolishness…
That, to all of you half baked products of 8-4-4=0 academia, comes from Charles Dickens’s Magnum Opus; A Tale of two cities. As some of my more faithful fans would have noted, I am going through a very “intellectual” phase. Now my desktop is littered with Weber, Engel, Freud and Darwin. I have felt a sudden almost instinctive desire for classical literature, also an almost adolescent adoration for the 20th century leaders whose image is a fashion more of history’s flattering pen rather than accurate personage.
Indeed I am in no way different from the greater number of youth that so litter the intellectual desert that is Kenya. We both devour art with the same ravish hunger, for me it might be Bernard Shaw and Edgar Allan Poe vis-à-vis their Will-I-ams and Noninis. As I delve into early 20th Century Communist thought and brash Orwellian skepticism they are enthralled by the cosmetics of Tyra Banks and the indeed deep messages apparent in the lyrics of Kleptomaniax and Wahu.
We are of the same thread you and I, as we talk, argue and discuss. I do not feel at all empty when I cannot see sense in your elementary understanding of Religion/anti-religion. I do not feel a tinge of pity for you if you do not understand the climate of a post cold-war American policy, indeed I laugh with you as you see abortion as a devillian western propaganda against the Holy Church. We relish homophobia and astute populist economic doctrines that will not work in a country that is probably in the 20 poorest countries in the world by natural resources.
Now to matters that majority of my readers will understand; I am falling in love… Yes finally the years of watching Sandra Bullock movies and listening to Kiss fm have caught up with me. I think it was one moment… truly magical in its romance, ephemeral and eternal in its simplicity… we were talking and I told her I was reading Marx, and she said she liked Marx but felt Engel had too radicalized his ideas! I knew I was no longer alone... I found her. The stuff of fantasies. Looking forward to an orgasm of ideas… Cheerio!!

READ THIS WEEKEND

RESPONSIBILITY

So I haven't been writing blogs for a while, sorry to all my fans (yes all three of you counting my mum!!), but I have been rather busy... well that's not true... I have been in all honesty very bored; and it has taken a momentous bitch slap to wake me.

Today, as some of you who have some semblance of general knowledge would know, is Nelson Mandela's birthday. He lived in a generation of great people, the likes of Oliver Tambo and Desmond Tutu. People who sacrificed everything for a greater cause, who's wounds and scars litter the conscience of humanity. These are people who resurrected the hope in humanity that we sometimes feel is dimming. These people do one great other thing... They mock us.

Hector Peterson was a twelve year old boy, who embodied the plight of black South Africa during the apartheid regime. A black and white photo of him covered newspaper pages when he carried the dead body of his younger brother across the streets of Soweto; his brother had been shot through the head by the police.

With such people having walked this African soil before us... heroes and servants to the plight of their brethren. What do the youth in Kenya do? What do we dream of... what do we want? When we walk the halls of colleges in this country, we hear not the voices of people striving to cultivate a new freedom. We do not see leaders who have settled within themselves a duty to save our country. They do their bachelors and buy their vitz's, taking coffee at java and reveling the pretty suburbs of an upper class urbanite. They take no heed of the dying child in Samburu, no heed of the millions of Kenyans who he doesn't see through his tint windows. She pays more for a pedicure than a family in Bondo spends on a week's supply of food. He pays more for cuff-links than the money a woman fails to get and dies at childbirth.

Kenya is killing itself, because this generation is a cold heartless mass of people dreaming of big jobs and big cars after reading Think Big by Dr. Ben Carson, and "The Secret". We buy more inspirational and wealth building books, and too few Chronicles of true humanity.We have forgotten that there is death and pain in this country. We have forgotten empathy... we have forgotten that we have a duty to all the people who cannot sit one day and read a blog because they have to walk miles everyday for a drink of water.

Let us not Forget... RESPONSIBILITY

21 RULES FOR RESPONSIBLE DRINKING

I have been missing for a while, I had a lot of business to attend to; including sharing the contents of my bowels with the toilet bowl repeatedly on Saturday. I had one of those make-you-quit-drinking hangovers. This hangover, however i blame on one person, the Anti-Christ, Devil Incarnate, Beelzebul, claw armed, green-eyed monster of a man; Luis Suarez. Who dashed the hopes of an African Nation by playing goalkeeper during the Uruguay Ghana game, and wistfully claiming himself the "real hand of God"!! But I digress.

Here are my handy tips for responsible drinking that will soon be out in a self titled oral DVD for only Kshs. 1,999.99!!

1. Do NOT quit drinking!

No i am not being sarcastic (which If I was this statement would be really sarcastic). Like Homer Simpson put it, the first step to failure is trying! A philosophy to live by, and in that sense trying to quit is one of the proverbial steps forward that will be followed by two steps back and a systematic dive into the blissful pool of the three mistresses, Beer, whiskey and Vodka.

In my astute, practical study of alcohol enjoyment, I have learnt that there are levels of drinking, like beginner, armature, accomplished, hardcore, guzzler e.t.c

To graduate from one level to another you need to do the following;

a) Get really really drunk on cheap/free alcohol.
b) Do something you will really regret, like make out/sleep with an ugly chic.
c) Black out.
d) and this is the most important; DECLARE THAT YOU WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN.
e) 4 weeks later you get back to drinking after you fail a CAT, or miss a promotion, or get dissed e.t.c

(NOTE; the above process has been scientifically proven using nanotechnology and the space time continuum relativity.)

2. Do NOT go out drinking with HOT GIRLS.

Yes true that. This rule needs little explanation... You will drink first to get the confidence to hit on her/them. Then whenever they take a shot you will take two to impress them. Then when they leave your college behind to go hang with some rich guy in VIP, you will get wasted to cure your pity.

Yes men, if you go out drinking with hot chics, stay sober and GET THEM DRUNK.

3. Do NOT go out drinking with UGLY GIRLS.

This is not just here to make the list look funny. See if you go out drinking with ugly chics, you will get drunk super fast, because every time you look up you will see what a loser you are in your friends faces!

Then you will get so drunk you will actually sleep with one of your ugly friends... THEN... see rule No. 1.


4. Do NOT write a blog.

Serious evidence suggests that people who write blogs drink way too much, and spend all their salary before the fifteenth of every month and in the process have their moms ban them from taking their own salaries.

They also have the tenacity too see monies beyond their wallets (these bloggers dang!) and will end up calling up to 6 people and "treating" them only to end up Talking to the bar tender for forty five minutes before being rushed in a back room and stuffed full of fists and going home to explain what happened to his watch and shoes.!

NB. This is stuff a certain "study" that did not involve this particular blogger concluded the above is tried and true.

5. Do NOT support Arsenal.

As a Manchester united fan, I really do empathize. Like all African football fans we got a semblance of what such idiots go through when Ghana lost to Luis Suarez's "Hand of the Devil."

Such people walk through the grizzly fires of hell every time such walking calamities like Mikael Silvestre and Niklas Bendtner get within 5m of the football in actual play.

If you care anything about your liver and/or your sperm count; DO NOT support Arsenal FC, If the stress doesn't kill you, the binge drinking that follows every arsenal BIG game will!

The Proposed Draft Constitution Of Kenya

Good Morning People,

Today I have an interesting topic. The constitution, and just so you know I am VERY biased, I am so on the "YES" side that I can barely see the very convincing arguments made by the intellectuals that abide the NO campaigns like Dr. Hon. Margaret Wanjiru (who has a PhD in ummm... ummm), Dr. Past. Wilfred Lai, Dr. Past. Ng'ang'a; and all these learned people who have such great understanding of the Law and political demographics that cultures our country.

I will also NOT listen to the concerned voices of the great patriots hailing "NO" including our Beloved Former President, who did a lot more in disseminating a new constitution than any other historical figure since Moses on Mt. Sinai, or that great figure of peace and progress Hon. William Ruto who has done nothing but ensure we as a country know the important details of how to manipulate the grain black market so that Kenyans can take advantage of the upcoming EAC protocol.

Because I am so closed minded and hypocritical i chose to listen to those bastards at the KNHRC who we all know just sit all day chastising our prodigious Police Force and paramilitary every time they try to restore peace by getting rid of people who "rattle the snake". I cant help my feeble mind from listening to the dogma of such selfish persons as Prof. Wangari Maathai, the Nobel laureate, she just cares about trees, or the esteemed Constitutional Lawyer PLO Lumumba.

Yes, we the Yes people have been clouded by the adulation of our leaders we canNOT think straight, we are misinterpreting the law to favor our whims.

I dont know why we cant see that Muslims want to take over this country, and introducing (YES introducing, the khadhis courts that are there in section 67 of the current constitution and cap 66 of the laws of Kenya, and sections of cap 8, The Judicature Act DONT COUNT... why? COS they SAID SO) Khadhis court will lead to Islamic rule and Osama will be declared a Kenyan Hero and women will be forced to wear bui buis and our hands will be cut off e.t.c

I also don't know why we cant see that because of this new constitution, overnight all Kenyan women will murder their babies, because ALL medical practitioners aside from people with Masters in Obstetrics Gynecology do not have the capacity to save a woman's life, and indeed any woman who gets pregnant when raped should have used a condom. We all know that as it is, all those women in Turkana and Marsabit dont suffer such complications and that we should give that authority to Gynos because the present number of about 200 can very well serve the whole pregnant population in Kenya.

Being a "YES" person is admittedly stupid, how can we sit back and see our government make quotas on how much land an individual should own, its preposterous!! Imagine what if The Kenyatta family did not own land the size of Nyanza province in fertile regions of this country while 5 million people live as squatters then where would this country be??? We should be ashamed of ourselves!! Those landless people are landless because its their fault, and the Kenyattas earned their land. Even the laws that idle land should be taxed isn't healthy, so what if there are millions of kenyans who are food insecure,? So what if we are an independent Nation dependent on other countries to feed ourselves?

I do not think there is a reason for ANYONE to vote YES for this constitution, we will descend into tribal war due to majimbo, then when we are dead our funerals will be overseen by filthy muslim Khadhis, then we will abort our children and then they will DIE! then when we are all DEAD we will realize that we should have voted NO.

Even with such overwhelming evidence some of us will still vote yes, and since today is friday I will raise my glass of Tusker to the YES voters!!

ONYANCH AND I (a working title)

So apparently I look like Onyancha. At least according to 15 or so chics who have commented on or about my new profile picture on face book (see my face book page); and as usual it got me thinking, and googling, as to what makes me different from him; aside from the fact that I haven't been to a lodging recently and used a barmaids neck to test the new gillette.

Well for one I did not attend one of those Kikuyu shags-modos high schools; and indeed apparently its almost a prerequisite to having an abnormal adult life. Seriously almost all weird criminals have attended a school that has "wa" in its name like its someone's son e.g Mukuru wa Njenga High School!We end up with people like Kiriamiti, Rasta,Wanugu, Margaret Wanjiru and even Kihika Kimani, criminals who obviously have some un-prestine faculty issues.

So Onyancha who I highly doubt is Kikuyu ended up at Mahiga High School (which Google maps tells me is in Central province) where he got indicted into a cult, and its not the drink-alcohol-and-texturize-your-hair finger licking good church of Pastor and Future president Hellon; NO this is the real deal. This cult has everything from getting rich promises to performance contracts (100 women dead anyone?), which are probably alot more effective than the government ones;

“After agreeing to join the cult, I graduated automatically. From then on spirits would send me to go and kill.”

“In the cult, it was like in a stage. And to go to the next level, I had to kill a lot of people and also meet the leader of the cult.”

That's the second thing that makes me different from Onyancha; he listened to his teachers. While common knowledge to all teenagers is that High School teachers are actually agents of the devil, whose sole purpose is to ensure that school farms are always populated with free labour from innocent students like myself, I digress however. The point was Onyancha TRUSTED his teacher, who took the opportunity to play this AWESOME practical joke on him which I am sure was the talk of the staff room.

What the teacher didn't count on was the third difference between me and Onyancha, Onyancha was stupid. He didn't get the joke, so he ACTUALLY thought that he was a fully fledged soldier working for the Prince of Darkness himself. Explains why and how the devil himself cannNOT evade the so "capable" powers of the Kenya police. Well and Onyancha doesn't know how to deal with stress, when there is a voice in your head telling you to "kill that bitch", its probably because you are suffering from continued sobriety, a disease that affects many people including saved Christians and English footballers; and instead of taking the appropriate cure of a few shots of J&B, he goes out murdering people,, and THATS NOT NICE.

However Onyancha is not all bad, I have found some similarities between him and myself, In the July 1st Standard Newspaper Onyancha was quoted saying "One time I made a Lady follow me just by talking to her..." Now thats more like the Matano I know... Cheerio!

COLLEGE COMMANDMENTS

I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.

II- Thou Shalt Get Ill All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be ill all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and hook up with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be ill all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.

III- Thou Shalt Acquire A Nickname
And Student asked of his name, for he had heard that names often change at university. And God said unto him, you shall acquire a nickname and that is what people will know you as forever. Some may even forgot your real name, God added. And student asked if he could choose the name he was to be known by. And God laughed a mighty laugh and said to Student, he who attempts to pick his own nickname shall be called Assknuckle! And Student understood his wisdom and determined to accept whichever nickname he was given.

IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a university student. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God, "What kind of Hoodie should it be?" And God said, "You shall own many of varying colours and creeds." And Student was pleased and God was pleased.

V- Thou Shalt Embarrass Yourself Online
And next student asked God of technology and how one should conduct himself online. And God said to student, thou shalt embarrass yourself online. And student was confused but God explained it to him. Said God, you will log into facebook drunk and write embarrassing things on your friends profiles. You will message people you are attracted to and then completely forget you have done so. You will post pictures of yourself that will someday be the reason you cannot find a job. And student began to weep so God took a video of this and put it on youtube.

VI- Thou Shalt Order Many Takeaways
Student asked unto God if there were any need for takeaways given the numerous recipe books he had already acquired, but God said to him, "You shall order many a takeaway, but you are poor, with little money and shall eat 8p value noodles instead of using said books." Student ordered takeaway and ate 8p value noodles and it was good.

VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend, do the walk of shame and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at uni and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at clubs and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and said 'giggity, giggity' and it was good.

VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings
Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.

IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in marker pen. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.

And God gave Student the final Commandment

X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still hook up even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore for many will be like you and that is good. The student felt better and God pointed to Students chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits.

THIS IS THE WORD OF GOD!

WEDNESDAY PEOPLE

I like that phrase that goes, you know after Monday and Tuesday the week just says WTF. It just cracks me up every time, and today is a Wednesday, the single most undefined day of the week. It has no character, no feel, NOTHING. Its like a decimal point between the Recovery that is Monday, the realization of Tuesday and the hope that is Thursday.

So today is Wednesday, there is a boring tedious hum to the AC, no one is talking about the last weekend and no one is talking about the next. No one is hitting on the hot office chic, no one is secretly trying to steal a few complimentary whiskeys, if it wasn't for the world cup we would all be blogging our lives away (I have an excuse... see England thrashing!!) All this unfab drab hub-a-dab-dab (what? You never heard of writer's block jeez!) got me thinking.

Do you have people in your life who are Wednesdays? give me an amen if you know someone who walks into a room and you start going through texts you have already read on your phone. Someone who makes listening to a Madaraka Day Kalonzo speech seem like Toy Story 3 in 3D! I know such people... I know them... and its not their fault, but what is there fault is how they always never take a hint, the guy is telling you the most boring story since Nairobi Law premiered on television, and not only cant you change the channel but every few minutes he has to tap your shoulder and tell you "skiza.. jo skiza".!! You feel like slapping someone upside there head or something. They also always have this urge to just sit really close to you, and place their arms on your thigh, even if you are of the same gender and are as homophobic as any UoN student out there. They will also routinely laugh at their own jokes and incline you to laugh with them with calls of "get it..?" "get it".

The most appalling thing however is that this guy will then have a blisteringly hot chic and you wonder "what the fuck does he have!?!?" cos you hang with the chic and make her laugh like no ones business but she still goes home with the I-could-make-a-3-year-old-kid-cry-with-my-stories-guy!! Well some anonymous guy said that when you fail to find all the things you want in one guy, just get more guys.

Now here is a joke to all boring Wednesday type guys with hot mamas, and to the hot mamas who didn't chose me;

This guy walks into an elevator with a girl and the lady tells him T.G.I.F smiling broadly, the guy replies S.H.I.T. the Lady is taken aback then she says it again slowly, T.G.I.F and the guy now almost laughing tells her S.H.I.T. The lady gets enraged and loudly tells him "T.G.I.F don't you get it!!? Thank God Its Friday"... the guy laughs and then tells her "Sorry Hon Its Thursday"...

Have a nice week y'all.

WHY FAITH IS IMPORTANT.

Ola people,

Over the past few days I have gone through some amazing life changing experiences that have given me this awesome new perspectives on life. I have the revelations of a lifetime, akin to the biblical Paul with his ass-mounted epiphany, these are my burning bush; my wedding at Canna if you may... This, ladies and gentlemen is me at Mt. Hira and my angel Gabriel is life itself.


Starting with the most traumatic and haunting to date; England being *%()@(*#($) out of the world cup 4-1 by Germany... Now this was life changing; It made me think about how short life is... because as I saw Lukas Podolski and Miroslav Klose tear my favorite demi-god-premier-players apart like mildly toasted bread; it hit me for England will never win the world cup-before they discover how to substantially clone Wayne Rooney into 11 players. But more importantly how our faith blinds us.

Boom! just like that I understood how Pastor Ng'ang'a is a millionaire (I do not understand why he would wear the such ugly suits though I am working on that)... People are irrational and will forever create systems based on emotion, attachment and history. how else would you explain England fans at the world cup who mindlessly bet more than they can afford that England would beat Germany 3-1 with two goals from Wayne Rooney? It can only be said that we stupidly, myopically went against overwhelming evidence that England were slow, out of form, old geezers playing archaic football that did not fit in a present world stage.

So now I know why people read the Bible and think its true, the same way I placed my hope in Rooney, they placed their hope in Jesus Christ, but at least Jesus... I mean Rooney exists! Support Brazil, be sure.

Ciao.

INTRODUCTION

Now I blog... well where to begin?

I am probably your usual blogger, a self obsessed post adolescent
college student who feels he has the means to change the world, but really has an inadequate social life and a little too much bandwidth.

And my cadre is religion, because although this country I so love has given me a lot of Tusker, Nyama Choma and even a little female company over the years (few as they have been); Kenya is still a dissapointing hedonistic, homophobic, irrational country ruled by a bastard system of anglo-roman christianity and bantu traditionalism. We habitually murder and slander those who are slightly different from the primitive common cloth and seat back in our church pews and M-pesa our weirdly clad pastors.

We are about as funny as we are scary; on that topic I was superbly entertained by our Rev. Dr. Apostle. Hon. Bishop Margaret Wanjiru Asst. Min.; who blatantly declared that if we pass this constitution God will kill all the first born sons of this country; I think I should warn my brother instead of wasting my time blogging away my work day.!

See u next time.