So apparently I look like Onyancha. At least according to 15 or so chics who have commented on or about my new profile picture on face book (see my face book page); and as usual it got me thinking, and googling, as to what makes me different from him; aside from the fact that I haven't been to a lodging recently and used a barmaids neck to test the new gillette.
Well for one I did not attend one of those Kikuyu shags-modos high schools; and indeed apparently its almost a prerequisite to having an abnormal adult life. Seriously almost all weird criminals have attended a school that has "wa" in its name like its someone's son e.g Mukuru wa Njenga High School!We end up with people like Kiriamiti, Rasta,Wanugu, Margaret Wanjiru and even Kihika Kimani, criminals who obviously have some un-prestine faculty issues.
So Onyancha who I highly doubt is Kikuyu ended up at Mahiga High School (which Google maps tells me is in Central province) where he got indicted into a cult, and its not the drink-alcohol-and-texturize-your-hair finger licking good church of Pastor and Future president Hellon; NO this is the real deal. This cult has everything from getting rich promises to performance contracts (100 women dead anyone?), which are probably alot more effective than the government ones;
“After agreeing to join the cult, I graduated automatically. From then on spirits would send me to go and kill.”
“In the cult, it was like in a stage. And to go to the next level, I had to kill a lot of people and also meet the leader of the cult.”
That's the second thing that makes me different from Onyancha; he listened to his teachers. While common knowledge to all teenagers is that High School teachers are actually agents of the devil, whose sole purpose is to ensure that school farms are always populated with free labour from innocent students like myself, I digress however. The point was Onyancha TRUSTED his teacher, who took the opportunity to play this AWESOME practical joke on him which I am sure was the talk of the staff room.
What the teacher didn't count on was the third difference between me and Onyancha, Onyancha was stupid. He didn't get the joke, so he ACTUALLY thought that he was a fully fledged soldier working for the Prince of Darkness himself. Explains why and how the devil himself cannNOT evade the so "capable" powers of the Kenya police. Well and Onyancha doesn't know how to deal with stress, when there is a voice in your head telling you to "kill that bitch", its probably because you are suffering from continued sobriety, a disease that affects many people including saved Christians and English footballers; and instead of taking the appropriate cure of a few shots of J&B, he goes out murdering people,, and THATS NOT NICE.
However Onyancha is not all bad, I have found some similarities between him and myself, In the July 1st Standard Newspaper Onyancha was quoted saying "One time I made a Lady follow me just by talking to her..." Now thats more like the Matano I know... Cheerio!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
COLLEGE COMMANDMENTS
I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Ill All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be ill all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and hook up with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be ill all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Acquire A Nickname
And Student asked of his name, for he had heard that names often change at university. And God said unto him, you shall acquire a nickname and that is what people will know you as forever. Some may even forgot your real name, God added. And student asked if he could choose the name he was to be known by. And God laughed a mighty laugh and said to Student, he who attempts to pick his own nickname shall be called Assknuckle! And Student understood his wisdom and determined to accept whichever nickname he was given.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a university student. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God, "What kind of Hoodie should it be?" And God said, "You shall own many of varying colours and creeds." And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
V- Thou Shalt Embarrass Yourself Online
And next student asked God of technology and how one should conduct himself online. And God said to student, thou shalt embarrass yourself online. And student was confused but God explained it to him. Said God, you will log into facebook drunk and write embarrassing things on your friends profiles. You will message people you are attracted to and then completely forget you have done so. You will post pictures of yourself that will someday be the reason you cannot find a job. And student began to weep so God took a video of this and put it on youtube.
VI- Thou Shalt Order Many Takeaways
Student asked unto God if there were any need for takeaways given the numerous recipe books he had already acquired, but God said to him, "You shall order many a takeaway, but you are poor, with little money and shall eat 8p value noodles instead of using said books." Student ordered takeaway and ate 8p value noodles and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend, do the walk of shame and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at uni and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at clubs and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and said 'giggity, giggity' and it was good.
VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings
Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.
IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in marker pen. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.
And God gave Student the final Commandment
X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still hook up even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore for many will be like you and that is good. The student felt better and God pointed to Students chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits.
THIS IS THE WORD OF GOD!
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Ill All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be ill all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and hook up with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be ill all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Acquire A Nickname
And Student asked of his name, for he had heard that names often change at university. And God said unto him, you shall acquire a nickname and that is what people will know you as forever. Some may even forgot your real name, God added. And student asked if he could choose the name he was to be known by. And God laughed a mighty laugh and said to Student, he who attempts to pick his own nickname shall be called Assknuckle! And Student understood his wisdom and determined to accept whichever nickname he was given.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a university student. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God, "What kind of Hoodie should it be?" And God said, "You shall own many of varying colours and creeds." And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
V- Thou Shalt Embarrass Yourself Online
And next student asked God of technology and how one should conduct himself online. And God said to student, thou shalt embarrass yourself online. And student was confused but God explained it to him. Said God, you will log into facebook drunk and write embarrassing things on your friends profiles. You will message people you are attracted to and then completely forget you have done so. You will post pictures of yourself that will someday be the reason you cannot find a job. And student began to weep so God took a video of this and put it on youtube.
VI- Thou Shalt Order Many Takeaways
Student asked unto God if there were any need for takeaways given the numerous recipe books he had already acquired, but God said to him, "You shall order many a takeaway, but you are poor, with little money and shall eat 8p value noodles instead of using said books." Student ordered takeaway and ate 8p value noodles and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend, do the walk of shame and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at uni and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at clubs and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and said 'giggity, giggity' and it was good.
VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings
Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.
IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in marker pen. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.
And God gave Student the final Commandment
X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still hook up even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore for many will be like you and that is good. The student felt better and God pointed to Students chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits.
THIS IS THE WORD OF GOD!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
WEDNESDAY PEOPLE
I like that phrase that goes, you know after Monday and Tuesday the week just says WTF. It just cracks me up every time, and today is a Wednesday, the single most undefined day of the week. It has no character, no feel, NOTHING. Its like a decimal point between the Recovery that is Monday, the realization of Tuesday and the hope that is Thursday.
So today is Wednesday, there is a boring tedious hum to the AC, no one is talking about the last weekend and no one is talking about the next. No one is hitting on the hot office chic, no one is secretly trying to steal a few complimentary whiskeys, if it wasn't for the world cup we would all be blogging our lives away (I have an excuse... see England thrashing!!) All this unfab drab hub-a-dab-dab (what? You never heard of writer's block jeez!) got me thinking.
Do you have people in your life who are Wednesdays? give me an amen if you know someone who walks into a room and you start going through texts you have already read on your phone. Someone who makes listening to a Madaraka Day Kalonzo speech seem like Toy Story 3 in 3D! I know such people... I know them... and its not their fault, but what is there fault is how they always never take a hint, the guy is telling you the most boring story since Nairobi Law premiered on television, and not only cant you change the channel but every few minutes he has to tap your shoulder and tell you "skiza.. jo skiza".!! You feel like slapping someone upside there head or something. They also always have this urge to just sit really close to you, and place their arms on your thigh, even if you are of the same gender and are as homophobic as any UoN student out there. They will also routinely laugh at their own jokes and incline you to laugh with them with calls of "get it..?" "get it".
The most appalling thing however is that this guy will then have a blisteringly hot chic and you wonder "what the fuck does he have!?!?" cos you hang with the chic and make her laugh like no ones business but she still goes home with the I-could-make-a-3-year-old-kid-cry-with-my-stories-guy!! Well some anonymous guy said that when you fail to find all the things you want in one guy, just get more guys.
Now here is a joke to all boring Wednesday type guys with hot mamas, and to the hot mamas who didn't chose me;
This guy walks into an elevator with a girl and the lady tells him T.G.I.F smiling broadly, the guy replies S.H.I.T. the Lady is taken aback then she says it again slowly, T.G.I.F and the guy now almost laughing tells her S.H.I.T. The lady gets enraged and loudly tells him "T.G.I.F don't you get it!!? Thank God Its Friday"... the guy laughs and then tells her "Sorry Hon Its Thursday"...
Have a nice week y'all.
So today is Wednesday, there is a boring tedious hum to the AC, no one is talking about the last weekend and no one is talking about the next. No one is hitting on the hot office chic, no one is secretly trying to steal a few complimentary whiskeys, if it wasn't for the world cup we would all be blogging our lives away (I have an excuse... see England thrashing!!) All this unfab drab hub-a-dab-dab (what? You never heard of writer's block jeez!) got me thinking.
Do you have people in your life who are Wednesdays? give me an amen if you know someone who walks into a room and you start going through texts you have already read on your phone. Someone who makes listening to a Madaraka Day Kalonzo speech seem like Toy Story 3 in 3D! I know such people... I know them... and its not their fault, but what is there fault is how they always never take a hint, the guy is telling you the most boring story since Nairobi Law premiered on television, and not only cant you change the channel but every few minutes he has to tap your shoulder and tell you "skiza.. jo skiza".!! You feel like slapping someone upside there head or something. They also always have this urge to just sit really close to you, and place their arms on your thigh, even if you are of the same gender and are as homophobic as any UoN student out there. They will also routinely laugh at their own jokes and incline you to laugh with them with calls of "get it..?" "get it".
The most appalling thing however is that this guy will then have a blisteringly hot chic and you wonder "what the fuck does he have!?!?" cos you hang with the chic and make her laugh like no ones business but she still goes home with the I-could-make-a-3-year-old-kid-cry-with-my-stories-guy!! Well some anonymous guy said that when you fail to find all the things you want in one guy, just get more guys.
Now here is a joke to all boring Wednesday type guys with hot mamas, and to the hot mamas who didn't chose me;
This guy walks into an elevator with a girl and the lady tells him T.G.I.F smiling broadly, the guy replies S.H.I.T. the Lady is taken aback then she says it again slowly, T.G.I.F and the guy now almost laughing tells her S.H.I.T. The lady gets enraged and loudly tells him "T.G.I.F don't you get it!!? Thank God Its Friday"... the guy laughs and then tells her "Sorry Hon Its Thursday"...
Have a nice week y'all.
Monday, June 28, 2010
WHY FAITH IS IMPORTANT.
Ola people,
Over the past few days I have gone through some amazing life changing experiences that have given me this awesome new perspectives on life. I have the revelations of a lifetime, akin to the biblical Paul with his ass-mounted epiphany, these are my burning bush; my wedding at Canna if you may... This, ladies and gentlemen is me at Mt. Hira and my angel Gabriel is life itself.
Starting with the most traumatic and haunting to date; England being *%()@(*#($) out of the world cup 4-1 by Germany... Now this was life changing; It made me think about how short life is... because as I saw Lukas Podolski and Miroslav Klose tear my favorite demi-god-premier-players apart like mildly toasted bread; it hit me for England will never win the world cup-before they discover how to substantially clone Wayne Rooney into 11 players. But more importantly how our faith blinds us.
Boom! just like that I understood how Pastor Ng'ang'a is a millionaire (I do not understand why he would wear the such ugly suits though I am working on that)... People are irrational and will forever create systems based on emotion, attachment and history. how else would you explain England fans at the world cup who mindlessly bet more than they can afford that England would beat Germany 3-1 with two goals from Wayne Rooney? It can only be said that we stupidly, myopically went against overwhelming evidence that England were slow, out of form, old geezers playing archaic football that did not fit in a present world stage.
So now I know why people read the Bible and think its true, the same way I placed my hope in Rooney, they placed their hope in Jesus Christ, but at least Jesus... I mean Rooney exists! Support Brazil, be sure.
Ciao.
Over the past few days I have gone through some amazing life changing experiences that have given me this awesome new perspectives on life. I have the revelations of a lifetime, akin to the biblical Paul with his ass-mounted epiphany, these are my burning bush; my wedding at Canna if you may... This, ladies and gentlemen is me at Mt. Hira and my angel Gabriel is life itself.
Starting with the most traumatic and haunting to date; England being *%()@(*#($) out of the world cup 4-1 by Germany... Now this was life changing; It made me think about how short life is... because as I saw Lukas Podolski and Miroslav Klose tear my favorite demi-god-premier-players apart like mildly toasted bread; it hit me for England will never win the world cup-before they discover how to substantially clone Wayne Rooney into 11 players. But more importantly how our faith blinds us.
Boom! just like that I understood how Pastor Ng'ang'a is a millionaire (I do not understand why he would wear the such ugly suits though I am working on that)... People are irrational and will forever create systems based on emotion, attachment and history. how else would you explain England fans at the world cup who mindlessly bet more than they can afford that England would beat Germany 3-1 with two goals from Wayne Rooney? It can only be said that we stupidly, myopically went against overwhelming evidence that England were slow, out of form, old geezers playing archaic football that did not fit in a present world stage.
So now I know why people read the Bible and think its true, the same way I placed my hope in Rooney, they placed their hope in Jesus Christ, but at least Jesus... I mean Rooney exists! Support Brazil, be sure.
Ciao.
INTRODUCTION
Now I blog... well where to begin?
I am probably your usual blogger, a self obsessed post adolescent
college student who feels he has the means to change the world, but really has an inadequate social life and a little too much bandwidth.
And my cadre is religion, because although this country I so love has given me a lot of Tusker, Nyama Choma and even a little female company over the years (few as they have been); Kenya is still a dissapointing hedonistic, homophobic, irrational country ruled by a bastard system of anglo-roman christianity and bantu traditionalism. We habitually murder and slander those who are slightly different from the primitive common cloth and seat back in our church pews and M-pesa our weirdly clad pastors.
We are about as funny as we are scary; on that topic I was superbly entertained by our Rev. Dr. Apostle. Hon. Bishop Margaret Wanjiru Asst. Min.; who blatantly declared that if we pass this constitution God will kill all the first born sons of this country; I think I should warn my brother instead of wasting my time blogging away my work day.!
See u next time.
I am probably your usual blogger, a self obsessed post adolescent
college student who feels he has the means to change the world, but really has an inadequate social life and a little too much bandwidth.
And my cadre is religion, because although this country I so love has given me a lot of Tusker, Nyama Choma and even a little female company over the years (few as they have been); Kenya is still a dissapointing hedonistic, homophobic, irrational country ruled by a bastard system of anglo-roman christianity and bantu traditionalism. We habitually murder and slander those who are slightly different from the primitive common cloth and seat back in our church pews and M-pesa our weirdly clad pastors.
We are about as funny as we are scary; on that topic I was superbly entertained by our Rev. Dr. Apostle. Hon. Bishop Margaret Wanjiru Asst. Min.; who blatantly declared that if we pass this constitution God will kill all the first born sons of this country; I think I should warn my brother instead of wasting my time blogging away my work day.!
See u next time.
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