WEALTH

"Never start an article with a quote.." that is a fundamental rule of journalism, (if you did not just get that irony STOP reading my blog now), but I will start with this famous quote, "The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.." and this wasn't found in some Shakespearean dialogue, or popular Churchill speech; this was actually in one of those 100 bob posters u buy kwa jam pale Uhuru highway,we have probably had it in our sitting room ever since I could write my name on the wall with my own poop.

Today's sermon all yea faithful is about money and wealth and prosperity. Hearken my word, listen for the gospel according to modern day "church"... Verily verily I say unto thee not one poor person shall enter the kingdom of heaven!! Hearken, for was it not said that the Lord your God loves the rich... for when the poor man came to Jesus and asked "I have obeyed all the commandments, how will I enter the Kingdom" Jesus responded "send M-pesa to Pastor Ng'ang'a/Wanjiru/ (insert relevant Kikuyu pastor here... if pastor is not Kikuyu make sure they are wearing necesarily flamboyant ill fitting suits) and in return the Lord will bless you with wealth!! Then and only then... Jesus said... will you enter the Kingdom of heaven.

Many people have been misled these days, I ask you, was Jesus poor? Did he hang around poor people? Did he have to borrow a donkey to get into Jerusalem? Did he have to stay in other people's homes. NO! He has wealth and money and he rode in Pajeros and Toyota Land cruiser's for the Lord your God doesn't like potholes.! Haven't his apostles Margaret Wanjiru, Dr. Lai and the honorable Bro. Pattni not taught you anything? Live like them!! For they are true Christians, in their Karen homes and having enough money to lubricate there way into parliament, for it is only Jesus' plan for them to be obscenely wealthy off the sinners that flock their churches!!

And take no heed of the poor, when you see them on your well adorned pews, blocking the prime time TV cameras broadcasting Jesus message of wealth; admonish them!!! God doesn't like the poor, haven't you read the story of Lazarus and the Rich man, "your father in heaven did not mean you to be poor"(this is actually from my local friend Ciku... No beef :)...)

So what all of you should do, in faith, send your miracle seed to this number 0718214047 and me, Margaret Wanjiru, Dr. Lai, Pastor Nganga, Pat Robertson, That guy who smiles a lot on Family TV with a stadium full of people and rarely quotes the bible... plus the other 6 apostles will bless you with heavenly olive oil and wealth and heaven will follow you.

On a serious note, how can we sit by and watch as people fraudulently live of the sweat, blood and tears of a the weakest in our society. What is the difference between all these pentecostal prophets and a common conman. Does holding a Bible in one hand justify larceny, blackmail and fraud? When they win the hearts of our people through manipulation of faith and ignorance. When a blinded worshiper gives away her son's supper to the cause so projected by these Apostles and Doctor's of theology where are we?

Have we no moral obligation... no societal duty to prevent a rape of the masses? They dangle carrots of hope in the faces of the most down trodden of civilians, and kill them slowly, like intestinal parasites... sucking them of blood and life in utter selfishness. I do not know what we can do if anything... If you do please tell me.


Oh and just a little tit bit; When I typed Pastor "Lai" the computer auto corrected it to Pastor Lie... Have a fruitful day cheers!

The best of times... The worst of times

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom, the age of foolishness…
That, to all of you half baked products of 8-4-4=0 academia, comes from Charles Dickens’s Magnum Opus; A Tale of two cities. As some of my more faithful fans would have noted, I am going through a very “intellectual” phase. Now my desktop is littered with Weber, Engel, Freud and Darwin. I have felt a sudden almost instinctive desire for classical literature, also an almost adolescent adoration for the 20th century leaders whose image is a fashion more of history’s flattering pen rather than accurate personage.
Indeed I am in no way different from the greater number of youth that so litter the intellectual desert that is Kenya. We both devour art with the same ravish hunger, for me it might be Bernard Shaw and Edgar Allan Poe vis-à-vis their Will-I-ams and Noninis. As I delve into early 20th Century Communist thought and brash Orwellian skepticism they are enthralled by the cosmetics of Tyra Banks and the indeed deep messages apparent in the lyrics of Kleptomaniax and Wahu.
We are of the same thread you and I, as we talk, argue and discuss. I do not feel at all empty when I cannot see sense in your elementary understanding of Religion/anti-religion. I do not feel a tinge of pity for you if you do not understand the climate of a post cold-war American policy, indeed I laugh with you as you see abortion as a devillian western propaganda against the Holy Church. We relish homophobia and astute populist economic doctrines that will not work in a country that is probably in the 20 poorest countries in the world by natural resources.
Now to matters that majority of my readers will understand; I am falling in love… Yes finally the years of watching Sandra Bullock movies and listening to Kiss fm have caught up with me. I think it was one moment… truly magical in its romance, ephemeral and eternal in its simplicity… we were talking and I told her I was reading Marx, and she said she liked Marx but felt Engel had too radicalized his ideas! I knew I was no longer alone... I found her. The stuff of fantasies. Looking forward to an orgasm of ideas… Cheerio!!

READ THIS WEEKEND

RESPONSIBILITY

So I haven't been writing blogs for a while, sorry to all my fans (yes all three of you counting my mum!!), but I have been rather busy... well that's not true... I have been in all honesty very bored; and it has taken a momentous bitch slap to wake me.

Today, as some of you who have some semblance of general knowledge would know, is Nelson Mandela's birthday. He lived in a generation of great people, the likes of Oliver Tambo and Desmond Tutu. People who sacrificed everything for a greater cause, who's wounds and scars litter the conscience of humanity. These are people who resurrected the hope in humanity that we sometimes feel is dimming. These people do one great other thing... They mock us.

Hector Peterson was a twelve year old boy, who embodied the plight of black South Africa during the apartheid regime. A black and white photo of him covered newspaper pages when he carried the dead body of his younger brother across the streets of Soweto; his brother had been shot through the head by the police.

With such people having walked this African soil before us... heroes and servants to the plight of their brethren. What do the youth in Kenya do? What do we dream of... what do we want? When we walk the halls of colleges in this country, we hear not the voices of people striving to cultivate a new freedom. We do not see leaders who have settled within themselves a duty to save our country. They do their bachelors and buy their vitz's, taking coffee at java and reveling the pretty suburbs of an upper class urbanite. They take no heed of the dying child in Samburu, no heed of the millions of Kenyans who he doesn't see through his tint windows. She pays more for a pedicure than a family in Bondo spends on a week's supply of food. He pays more for cuff-links than the money a woman fails to get and dies at childbirth.

Kenya is killing itself, because this generation is a cold heartless mass of people dreaming of big jobs and big cars after reading Think Big by Dr. Ben Carson, and "The Secret". We buy more inspirational and wealth building books, and too few Chronicles of true humanity.We have forgotten that there is death and pain in this country. We have forgotten empathy... we have forgotten that we have a duty to all the people who cannot sit one day and read a blog because they have to walk miles everyday for a drink of water.

Let us not Forget... RESPONSIBILITY

21 RULES FOR RESPONSIBLE DRINKING

I have been missing for a while, I had a lot of business to attend to; including sharing the contents of my bowels with the toilet bowl repeatedly on Saturday. I had one of those make-you-quit-drinking hangovers. This hangover, however i blame on one person, the Anti-Christ, Devil Incarnate, Beelzebul, claw armed, green-eyed monster of a man; Luis Suarez. Who dashed the hopes of an African Nation by playing goalkeeper during the Uruguay Ghana game, and wistfully claiming himself the "real hand of God"!! But I digress.

Here are my handy tips for responsible drinking that will soon be out in a self titled oral DVD for only Kshs. 1,999.99!!

1. Do NOT quit drinking!

No i am not being sarcastic (which If I was this statement would be really sarcastic). Like Homer Simpson put it, the first step to failure is trying! A philosophy to live by, and in that sense trying to quit is one of the proverbial steps forward that will be followed by two steps back and a systematic dive into the blissful pool of the three mistresses, Beer, whiskey and Vodka.

In my astute, practical study of alcohol enjoyment, I have learnt that there are levels of drinking, like beginner, armature, accomplished, hardcore, guzzler e.t.c

To graduate from one level to another you need to do the following;

a) Get really really drunk on cheap/free alcohol.
b) Do something you will really regret, like make out/sleep with an ugly chic.
c) Black out.
d) and this is the most important; DECLARE THAT YOU WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN.
e) 4 weeks later you get back to drinking after you fail a CAT, or miss a promotion, or get dissed e.t.c

(NOTE; the above process has been scientifically proven using nanotechnology and the space time continuum relativity.)

2. Do NOT go out drinking with HOT GIRLS.

Yes true that. This rule needs little explanation... You will drink first to get the confidence to hit on her/them. Then whenever they take a shot you will take two to impress them. Then when they leave your college behind to go hang with some rich guy in VIP, you will get wasted to cure your pity.

Yes men, if you go out drinking with hot chics, stay sober and GET THEM DRUNK.

3. Do NOT go out drinking with UGLY GIRLS.

This is not just here to make the list look funny. See if you go out drinking with ugly chics, you will get drunk super fast, because every time you look up you will see what a loser you are in your friends faces!

Then you will get so drunk you will actually sleep with one of your ugly friends... THEN... see rule No. 1.


4. Do NOT write a blog.

Serious evidence suggests that people who write blogs drink way too much, and spend all their salary before the fifteenth of every month and in the process have their moms ban them from taking their own salaries.

They also have the tenacity too see monies beyond their wallets (these bloggers dang!) and will end up calling up to 6 people and "treating" them only to end up Talking to the bar tender for forty five minutes before being rushed in a back room and stuffed full of fists and going home to explain what happened to his watch and shoes.!

NB. This is stuff a certain "study" that did not involve this particular blogger concluded the above is tried and true.

5. Do NOT support Arsenal.

As a Manchester united fan, I really do empathize. Like all African football fans we got a semblance of what such idiots go through when Ghana lost to Luis Suarez's "Hand of the Devil."

Such people walk through the grizzly fires of hell every time such walking calamities like Mikael Silvestre and Niklas Bendtner get within 5m of the football in actual play.

If you care anything about your liver and/or your sperm count; DO NOT support Arsenal FC, If the stress doesn't kill you, the binge drinking that follows every arsenal BIG game will!

The Proposed Draft Constitution Of Kenya

Good Morning People,

Today I have an interesting topic. The constitution, and just so you know I am VERY biased, I am so on the "YES" side that I can barely see the very convincing arguments made by the intellectuals that abide the NO campaigns like Dr. Hon. Margaret Wanjiru (who has a PhD in ummm... ummm), Dr. Past. Wilfred Lai, Dr. Past. Ng'ang'a; and all these learned people who have such great understanding of the Law and political demographics that cultures our country.

I will also NOT listen to the concerned voices of the great patriots hailing "NO" including our Beloved Former President, who did a lot more in disseminating a new constitution than any other historical figure since Moses on Mt. Sinai, or that great figure of peace and progress Hon. William Ruto who has done nothing but ensure we as a country know the important details of how to manipulate the grain black market so that Kenyans can take advantage of the upcoming EAC protocol.

Because I am so closed minded and hypocritical i chose to listen to those bastards at the KNHRC who we all know just sit all day chastising our prodigious Police Force and paramilitary every time they try to restore peace by getting rid of people who "rattle the snake". I cant help my feeble mind from listening to the dogma of such selfish persons as Prof. Wangari Maathai, the Nobel laureate, she just cares about trees, or the esteemed Constitutional Lawyer PLO Lumumba.

Yes, we the Yes people have been clouded by the adulation of our leaders we canNOT think straight, we are misinterpreting the law to favor our whims.

I dont know why we cant see that Muslims want to take over this country, and introducing (YES introducing, the khadhis courts that are there in section 67 of the current constitution and cap 66 of the laws of Kenya, and sections of cap 8, The Judicature Act DONT COUNT... why? COS they SAID SO) Khadhis court will lead to Islamic rule and Osama will be declared a Kenyan Hero and women will be forced to wear bui buis and our hands will be cut off e.t.c

I also don't know why we cant see that because of this new constitution, overnight all Kenyan women will murder their babies, because ALL medical practitioners aside from people with Masters in Obstetrics Gynecology do not have the capacity to save a woman's life, and indeed any woman who gets pregnant when raped should have used a condom. We all know that as it is, all those women in Turkana and Marsabit dont suffer such complications and that we should give that authority to Gynos because the present number of about 200 can very well serve the whole pregnant population in Kenya.

Being a "YES" person is admittedly stupid, how can we sit back and see our government make quotas on how much land an individual should own, its preposterous!! Imagine what if The Kenyatta family did not own land the size of Nyanza province in fertile regions of this country while 5 million people live as squatters then where would this country be??? We should be ashamed of ourselves!! Those landless people are landless because its their fault, and the Kenyattas earned their land. Even the laws that idle land should be taxed isn't healthy, so what if there are millions of kenyans who are food insecure,? So what if we are an independent Nation dependent on other countries to feed ourselves?

I do not think there is a reason for ANYONE to vote YES for this constitution, we will descend into tribal war due to majimbo, then when we are dead our funerals will be overseen by filthy muslim Khadhis, then we will abort our children and then they will DIE! then when we are all DEAD we will realize that we should have voted NO.

Even with such overwhelming evidence some of us will still vote yes, and since today is friday I will raise my glass of Tusker to the YES voters!!